Guest Blog

Giving Up Isn't In My Future

18 Jul 2018 by Michele T.

I'm a single mother (38) of two children (18) and (11). I am diagnosed with PTSD, OCD, ADHD, social anxiety, generalized anxiety, bi-polar, bereavement, panic disorder, nightmare disorder, major depression, agoraphobia, insomnia, as well as restless leg syndrome, neuropathy in my legs, severe carpal tunnel in both my arms, unexplained numbness, tingling and loss of feeling in my hands, spinal damage to lower back,  damage to my neck, and sleep apnea. I'm currently being tested for MS. And being tested for epilepsy. I'm also a childhood sexual abuse survivor and a survivor of physical, emotional and verbal abuse.

Life for me is a constant struggle.

Life for me is a constant struggle. I have to force myself out of bed and make myself seem OK cause I don't want my children to see how much of a mess I am. I struggle with remembering to take all my medicine daily and keeping up the house. I have to force myself to leave the house for a doctor appointment and go grocery shopping. I don't look at people passing by me and I tend to zone out from time to time - usually ending up missing my bus stop and having to back track.

For myself, I'm usually mentally and physically worn out after waking up to make sure that my kids go to school. I've lost interest in everything that was once worth doing. My hands are constantly shaking and I'm always worried or panicking about something. I was once full of life and loved going out doing things. Now I am always by myself in my house and barely talk to anyone.

My kids don't understand...

I miss the old me. My kids don't understand why their mother doesn't do things very often with them. Sometimes when I try telling them why I don't or why I can't take them places, they usually say "Oh, that's just an excuse".

I love my children and fight my disabilities daily to care for them.

I feel like I'm a prisoner trapped in my body. I never thought life would be this stressful. But I love my children and fight my disabilities daily to care for them. Some days are better than the rest, and sometimes no matter how hard I push myself, I never change out of my pajamas. Another day wasted. I'm currently looking to get counseling to help facing the day. I once loved going to church but even that's just a memory. I know there's a brighter tomorrow, but fighting past the thorn-filled vines that hold me back seems there's no end. I used to see my dad taking crazy amounts of prescription medicine daily to help him. And now that's me... eight or more medicines daily just to maintain myself. Not how I pictured life.

Giving up isn't in my future.

But I won't give up! I will fight no matter how hard things may get. Giving up isn't in my future.